Talk about it to the world

Well here I am, on day 16 and still doing o.k. I feel that the since I have started this blog and came out about this that things have gotten easier. I am still anonymous, but at least this is something. I have been on the verge of telling my wife or friends about this for years, but I have not had the courage. I don't know if I will ever be able to tell the truth. I am ashamed of of this. I know that I should not be, but I hear others talking about people who look at porn and they make fun of them, laugh about them, and accuse them of being sick. I just laugh along, but I am just shriveling up inside. I don't know what is wrong with me. My family never talked about sex. They never came to me and gave me "the talk". No instead they just left the Joy of Sex out for me to look at when I was 17. By then though it was to late. I would watch R rated movies and masturbate to them when I was 13. I went to boy scouts camp once and was told about a guy who found a porno mag while hiking near the bridges. So I went and looked every where until I found some. Then I would bring it home and masturbate and feel awful about it. I was about 14 at the time. Things just kept getting worse and worse. Soon I would throw it all away, and then have to get more. I found that I could sneak up behind adult book stores and find some in their garbage. Then in high school a guy showed me how to connect to BBS's using my modem and I downloaded as much porn as I could find. I learned to be good on computers and find ways of hiding the truth from everyone. This kept up for years and years. Once I got to be 18 I would go and buy some just to have it. I met my wife when I was 18 and it really did not help much. Just someone else to hide the truth from. I then I went to college and found out even more about networking and computers just to find new ways to get porn. Usenet, ftp's, encoding, decoding, Proxy servers, routers, everything just to get more porn. I have tried and tried to get clean, but everything has failed. Then I got a job with an office and things just got worse. Being in IT I have found ways to around almost any security that is put in my way. I learned that it was difficult to detect my activities. So this is when I started to put up my own blocks. Parental blocking softwear, blacklists, anything I could think of. And then I started to look for porn that would go around all of blocks. I hate to say it, but almost all of my computer knowledge hes come from porn. I am older now. Over 20 years of this and I am sick of this. No more! I will keep at this until I can fix this. SO that is a brief of my history. This is the first time I have put this down in writing. And still I have not said it all. Someday maybe.

Been a while but still going strong

I have not posted all week. Been busy with work and life. It is always easier when you get busy. You don't think about your habit as much. I find also that hard work or just working out helps to. But if I work hard in the morning I find my defences are down at the end of the day. Just be strong an keep positive.

Day 7

Well I have survived to day 7 although I stepped into the area of gray yesterday. But I did not see anything hard or even that is considered porn. Anyway, this did bring me down a little. This stuff is everywhere! Just normal searching will bring this stuff bubbling to the surface. I was looking for music and this led to sites with adult content on it. I did not click on them. I did not browse. I just tried to advert my attention to the music I I was looking at. Anyway. I consider this still O.K. I found focusing on a goal, what I was looking for, and let myself get distracted helped. But oh the temptation.

Shields still holding captain!

Well this morning has been tough. I got board and decided to "test the defenses" I put up. I want to say that I was not wanting to view porn, but that might not be entirely true. I did want to see how well my all of my blockers would work against my attempts. I did not try that hard, and everything held. Then I got up and walked away. I stopped after only about 10 minutes of trying. I really feel that this was an accomplishment. So I am glad to say that I am still free.

Day 4 and still going strong

Well this is day 4 and I am still going strong. I was tempted yesterday but got up and took a short walk. Still good.

Clean house!

Another thing that I do to help me break this habit is to clean house. I don't mean my house. I mean take all computer links, images, movies, magazines, anything and everything that has to do with your habit and throw it out. This sounds easy, but if you are like me you might have spent a long time building up all of this stuff. This stuff and you can almost form a bond, or a type of security blanket. But you will never be habit free if all this stuff is there. Don't tempt yourself. I tell you, when you do this the feeling of freedom after words is incredible.

Day 3 Free

Well here I am on day 3. My goal is to hit 30 days. That's not to long. Just take one day at a time.

Hope. Easy to say tough to believe

I don't know if this is true for others, but hope that you will some day break your habits and change is the most important thing. I find myself reverting to bad habits when ever I start to get down, depressed, and discouraged.

What do you do? Do you give up and just say that this is impossible. I have said this more times then I can count. I have said, "Never again!", even more times. This has caused me to try and justify my actions. Make it seem that it is not a problem. But I know that I am just lying to myself.

So how do you keep that flame of hope alive? This is the most difficult thing. I really have no answer for this. Everyone is different. My hope comes from the desire to change. The more I focus on my goal the more closer it seems. For every victory I have, I feel pride. For every failure, I try to pick myself up and move forward. But it is tough. I think that I can do this. I have HOPE that I can.