Talk about it to the world

Well here I am, on day 16 and still doing o.k. I feel that the since I have started this blog and came out about this that things have gotten easier. I am still anonymous, but at least this is something. I have been on the verge of telling my wife or friends about this for years, but I have not had the courage. I don't know if I will ever be able to tell the truth. I am ashamed of of this. I know that I should not be, but I hear others talking about people who look at porn and they make fun of them, laugh about them, and accuse them of being sick. I just laugh along, but I am just shriveling up inside. I don't know what is wrong with me. My family never talked about sex. They never came to me and gave me "the talk". No instead they just left the Joy of Sex out for me to look at when I was 17. By then though it was to late. I would watch R rated movies and masturbate to them when I was 13. I went to boy scouts camp once and was told about a guy who found a porno mag while hiking near the bridges. So I went and looked every where until I found some. Then I would bring it home and masturbate and feel awful about it. I was about 14 at the time. Things just kept getting worse and worse. Soon I would throw it all away, and then have to get more. I found that I could sneak up behind adult book stores and find some in their garbage. Then in high school a guy showed me how to connect to BBS's using my modem and I downloaded as much porn as I could find. I learned to be good on computers and find ways of hiding the truth from everyone. This kept up for years and years. Once I got to be 18 I would go and buy some just to have it. I met my wife when I was 18 and it really did not help much. Just someone else to hide the truth from. I then I went to college and found out even more about networking and computers just to find new ways to get porn. Usenet, ftp's, encoding, decoding, Proxy servers, routers, everything just to get more porn. I have tried and tried to get clean, but everything has failed. Then I got a job with an office and things just got worse. Being in IT I have found ways to around almost any security that is put in my way. I learned that it was difficult to detect my activities. So this is when I started to put up my own blocks. Parental blocking softwear, blacklists, anything I could think of. And then I started to look for porn that would go around all of blocks. I hate to say it, but almost all of my computer knowledge hes come from porn. I am older now. Over 20 years of this and I am sick of this. No more! I will keep at this until I can fix this. SO that is a brief of my history. This is the first time I have put this down in writing. And still I have not said it all. Someday maybe.